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antlerdiaries

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(no subject) [Jan. 31st, 2010|05:25 pm]
[Current Music |So We Stopped - The Robot Ate Me]

Taylor called today. He's annoyed that I don't talk anymore.
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they can't see me. [Jan. 31st, 2010|02:10 am]
[Current Music |For Real - Okkervil River]

I'm tired of having to exist. I don't want to speak to anyone. I don't want to leave the house. I just want to spend the rest of my life lying on my bedroom floor, dreaming of being someone else. Someone happy and beautiful, nothing near this mess I am.

I don't want anyone to see me ever again. I'm ugly.

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state of the union. [Jan. 28th, 2010|12:14 am]
[Current Music |Gauze - Elbows Like Swords]

Why do I still miss Jordan? Driving home Tuesday night, The Microphones came on shuffle and memories began flooding in. I remembered the last time I saw him as I was leaving work, and the last time he saw me, waving me off after I failed to impress his college friend. Both times devastated me, in fact, many of our memories end in him devastating me....but I can't bring myself to resent him for it. Almost everyday I half expect him to call, even though he doesn't have my number anymore.

It's funny though, because picture in my mind telling him how much he has hurt me over the past year should we ever become reunited.

I was supposed to go to Charlotte this weekend with Taylor and Hilary; I convinced myself I wasn't welcome. I withdrew my reservation today.
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soul stealers. [Jan. 20th, 2010|10:29 pm]
[Current Music |Lunches - Tinyfolk]

I feel my vision dulling; I fear I will soon lose all sense of color. He is noticing I'm not the same anymore, but I'm afraid to tell him how fast I am drifting away. I'll just keep drifting off with the tide until I'm completely gone.

I wanted to carve "WORTHLESS" into my forehead today..but I found out my mother made an appointment to get senior pictures taken of me. I didn't want to embarrass her any further...so I put down the blade. I need to lose weight before the pictures though.
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(no subject) [Jan. 14th, 2010|01:18 am]
[Current Music |Electric Feel -MGMT]

Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless.
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blanket arms. [Jan. 9th, 2010|03:20 am]
[Current Music |Dear God, I Hate Myself - Xiu Xiu]

Sometimes I feel content in those moments when I wake up to find him asleep with his arms holding me close early in the morning, just when the sun begins to trickle across the voodoo figurines on his windowsill. Then I fall back asleep knowing misery will soon take over again.


PS I've lost about 10lbs.
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apocalypse. [Dec. 17th, 2009|10:43 pm]
[Current Music |Romeo's Distress - Christian Death]

Forget losing weight. I need to get off this planet. My time on Earth is done. I need to figure out a perfect plan so I don't fail again.
My current ideas are:
Find where my mom is hiding all the Percocets, Valiums, Morphine, Oxycontin, and Hydrocodone from her surgery. Or learn to tie a noose and find a place where they'll never see me.

If a gun were available...I'd be gone by now. I long to destroy the source of my imperfections. That's why today at work I had such a strong urge to take the box cutter to my head and begin stabbing. I hate myself so much now...I see no point in going on like this. It's my fault I'm in this situation....if I had grown into a better person, I would not be forced to leave Earth.

I'm so sorry to have failed everyone. I tried for 18 years.
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meat. [Dec. 16th, 2009|12:09 am]
[Current Music |No Light Is Forever - A Wonderful]

Why have I not noticed how fat I have gotten recently? I've completely lost control and am now "the fat girl" in any group. For the past hour I've been studying myself in the mirror and wanted to vomit at the sight of my body. My thighs have swelled to a thunderous level and my muffin top overflows to a disgusting distance. My arms are flabbing mounds of meat and my fingers are plump sausages. I am so ashamed of how fat I am...I am now terrified to even leave the house. I'm stressing over what to wear tomorrow to work to try and conceal the fat. I don't believe I've ever felt this disgusted with my body before. I feel too fat to even kill myself; I won't fit into a coffin. I need to lose so much weight. I will avoid being in public at all costs to save the innocent bystanders from this ghastly view.
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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2009|12:27 am]
[Current Music |See-Thru-Skin - Chad VanGaalen]

I am an emotional masochist. I've grounded myself so I can use the alone time to convince myself to commit suicide.
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(no subject) [Dec. 13th, 2009|02:23 am]
[Current Music |Ppanda - gay against you]

All I can do is let people down.
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(no subject) [Dec. 7th, 2009|10:18 pm]
[Current Music |I Want to Be Cold - The Microphones]

I fucking hate myself. I can't do anything without freaking out.
1 week of classes, exams, suicide.
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(no subject) [Dec. 6th, 2009|01:01 am]
[Current Music |You've Gone Too Far - To Kill A Petty Bourgeoisie]

I am ashamed of myself. I wish I turned out as a better person.
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spoiled. [Dec. 5th, 2009|01:19 am]
[Current Music |Change - Stella Luna]

I want help. I desperately long for someone to cut through the vines and pull me out from the quicksand. I dream of someone taking my hand and walking with me down the road of recovery and not letting go even if I trip and fall. But I don't deserve that...I am a selfish brat and all I care about is myself. This is why I need to die....I can't let go of my life and do the world a favor because I am too greedy. I hate myself for this...I want to help everyone..but I'm too self-centered to do anything.



I should just fade away
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slit. [Dec. 2nd, 2009|01:25 am]
[Current Music |As Far Away Aw Amsterdam - Epithets]

I constantly envision bullets flying through my skull, my body convulsing on the bathroom floor with an empty bottle of pills beside me, my feet dangling above an overturned chair, or bathwater turning deep red with my blood. I am really losing myself...I cannot care about anything. I am drenched with apathy and with each cut I make I can feel the self-hatred in my blood stinging my skin. I am a monster. I need to be executed.
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glazed. [Nov. 30th, 2009|11:04 pm]
[Current Music |Gay Angels - Perfume Genius]

I have 2 weeks of class...and a week of exams. I'm struggling to make it to the end...I want to at least complete something before I die. A semester of college is good enough, I guess..even though I'll die without a high school degree...but I doubt the world would have expected anymore than this. They've known how weak I am since the beginning...and now I am finally running on the last of my strength.

Last night, I pictured my funeral in my head. I felt happy. They played Flowers....ha
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cracking [Nov. 30th, 2009|12:04 am]
[Current Music |Queenie the Doggie - Daniel Johnston]

I am so sick of myself....I wish I had the courage to just end it already, but deep down I'm praying for someone to save me. I know no one cares..but I just want to feel like I am worth living. No one wants me to though.
Funny story, I almost called 1-800-SUICIDE last night..but I was afraid they'd call me worthless.




Compare compare compare compare.
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fuck the world. [Nov. 27th, 2009|07:12 pm]
[Current Music |Track 1 - Toby Goodshank]

I'm done with everyone and everything.

I have a job,and they hate me. I don't have friends because they all hate me. I bet my family hates me after what I did yesterday.
I'm so worthless. I'm so fat. I'm so ugly. I'm so stupid. I'm a disgrace.




Edit: 1:08 AM

I was sent home early from work today at 6...I was supposed to work until at least 10:30. They hate me. I was waiting for my mom to come pick me up...and Jordan walked by me......he was with her again...I think holding hands. I don't know if he saw me or not.....so I went over and had sex with Taylor.


I WANT TO DIE.
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rain. [Nov. 17th, 2009|11:49 am]
[Current Music |Color of the Fire - Boards of Canada]

I have made a complete 360 turn around....I am at the same point I was at this time last year. Filled with self-loathing and shame, maybe even stronger than before though. Last time, I waited in the darkness, with my face against the pavement until the lights came on...only I don't think the street lights will come on this time.

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sociopath. [Nov. 15th, 2009|06:07 pm]
[Current Music |Oh Comely - Neutral Milk Hotel]

Alcohol always creates problems.
Taylor came over to Hilary's (where I was in the process of passing out drunk) at around 4 in the morning today. I don't remember exactly what I said to him...but I do know it has not only destroyed our "fling?"....but our friendship too. I wish I never got involved with him..I knew this would be a mess. Now instead of feeling relief for putting an end to my sins....I still feel like a whore..but a whore that's a complete bitch.
I don't get why I try so hard to be distant from people....I long so desperately to be attached to someone..and whenever I am given that chance I either say horrible things or ignore the opportunity altogether. I just want to call Taylor and apologize until I've said "I'm sorry" in every possible way, but I'm too scared.
I wish I could remember what I said...I just know he left pretty abruptly. Why can't I realize most people as insensitive as I figure them to be?
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(no subject) [Nov. 12th, 2009|05:20 pm]
[Current Music |I Love the Valley - Ten in the Swear Jar]

I think I've gotten myself into a horrible situation....

I had sex with Brianna's sort-of ex. No one else knows....and I'm wallowing in guilt in shame...I've wronged Brianna...and Jordan. ugh.
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